The Spring Break Conspiracy
Make every college students jealous by making them believe you went on spring break even if you couldn't afford it.
A few days ago, while I happened to be wasting time, once again, on my PC, I happened to glance up at my monthly planner stuck up on the wall. And to my dismay I realized that it was that time of year again. Yes, the time where college students will be pardoned for a week by their diligent and enticing professors for a period of unadorned boredom. This period, this week, is what is infamously known as SPRING BREAK!
To put it in a nutshell, I hate spring break. I hate the thought of it and I hate the falsely, nostalgic hype that advertisers use to promote it, but most honestly, and most of all, I hate the people who come back to school with these great tans and these great stories of their adventurous excursions and drunken debauchery. Are you with me on this people? I said, are with you with me on this one? That’s more like it!
Every year this issue comes round, and always, months in advance, friends of mine have huddled into group meetings, o.k. maybe just conversation over our valiant attempts at digesting the dinning hall grub, discussing what the hell we’re gonna being doing and where the hell we’re gonna be going this spring break. Well, those months have ticked by, and after endless conversing over ambitious spring break dreams I have once again ended up through ceaseless laziness and indecisiveness with a one-way bus ticket down to good ol’ Long Island. I cannot even begin to describe how frustrating the idea is of not going anywhere again for spring break. All around campus I see flyers and advertisements plastered along the bulletin boards in the classrooms and stapled to the pillars around the Campus Center. Beautiful women scantily clothed in bikinis, posing for the cameras with their pina coladas and margaritas, with the dopey looking guys gathered behind hoping for a “coppa feel” or a kiss. It is oh so pathetic to see. But the worst part is, I’m one of the convicted guilty who pull down these advertisements to look them over. Cancun, Jamaica, Spring Break cruises, they all sound so enticing. Yeah I’m jealous! Yeah I’m envious! But what can I do? I don’t have that kind of money to spend on a week’s fun. Sure, the travel agents throw in these great deals, $500 for six days, seven nights, all drinks included, but it always ends up more somehow. I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do this year.
Instead of sulking around my home on Long Island, bored out of my wits, watching Carson or Ananda on MTV Spring Break, I’m gonna head down to the tanning salon, ask them to turn that shit on hi, and juice me. Just juice me till I’m of another race. Then, I’m going to come back to Albany with all these great stories of how I made out with some different girl on the beach every night and how I drank tequila at the bar with my friends till the sun came up! Yeah, it’ll be great! I’ll make everyone so jealous and they’ll see how it feels. So if you’re in with me, come down to the tanning salon or call me and we’ll make plans to correlate our stories together so it seems real. We’ll all take a simulated trip down to Cancun, and we’ll all have fantastic, wild stories, and we’ll all have great tans. So what do ya say? Are you in?